CELEB NIPPLE SLIP

What’s the difference between George Best and Dodi’s chauffeur?
George Best can still take corners when he’s pissed.

Q. What’s the difference between Bill and Monica.
A. One can’t come clean and the other one can’t clean cum.

Celeb Son: Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Celeb Mom: Shut up and get away from the dart board!

How did Helen Keller’s mother punish her?
By rearranging the living-room furniture.

The similarity between MJ and whisky?
They both come in small tots.

MJ has signed a contract with Disney for a new movie. It’s “Honey I enlarged the kid!”

Have you heard MJ’s new song?
“Don’t let your son go down on me!”

Celeb Son: Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Celeb Mom: Shut up, you know that grandma’s leg is no longer infested.

Apparently we’re going to be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in the Jackson household… yeah, Lisa Marie’s going to be leaving town for a while.

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

“So, did you jump?” the father asked.

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the ‘plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the ‘plane!”

“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.

“Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”

“Did you jump then?” asked the father.

“I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the ‘plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the ‘plane or he’d kick my arse.”

“So, did you jump?”

“Not then. He tried to push me out of the ‘plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you going to jump or not?’ I said, ‘No, Sir. I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I’m sticking this up your arse.’

“So, did you jump?” asked the father. “Well, a little, at first.”

How come Mike Tysons eye’s water during sex?
Mace

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
A microwave won’t brown your meat!!

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.
Bush asked the boys how he could ever repay them. The first boy said, “I want a boat.”
The second boy said, “I want a truck.”
And the third boy said, “I want three tombstones with our names all on them.”
Bush asked, “Why is that, son?”
The little boy said, “Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!”

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times!”

How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
There’s a big wheel parked outside his house!

What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes?
They both make Royal Jelly.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

What’s somewhat brown and often found in children’s underpants?

Michael Jackson’s hand.

Whats the difference between the film Spice World and Titanic?
In the film Titanic at least the iceberg can act.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair".

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

How do you know that Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) doesn’t exist?
Because the camera adds 10 pounds!

What’s black and comes in little white cans?
Michael Jackson!

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a refridgerator?
A fridge doesn’t toot after you take your meat out of it!

How do you know when a spice girl has used your computer?
There’s correction fluid on the screen.

Knock Knock!

Who’s There?

Little boy blue!

Little boy blue who?

Michael Jackson.

How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral?
He was the one talking to the flowers.

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the director was steaming!
“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”
The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”
“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. ‘How much is that Barbie in the window?’, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, ‘Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ‘
The guy asks, ‘Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
‘That’s obvious,’ the assistant states, ‘Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture… ‘

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: ‘I’ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!’
Hugh replies: ‘Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.’
Bill (with a chuckle): ‘Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number.’ So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling ‘God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.’
To which she replies: ‘Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name …..

What the difference between the Spice Girls and All Saints?
All saints can sing as a foursome.

What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?
Ummm, I wonder!!!

It’s a beautiful warm day and celeb man and his celeb wife are at the Zoo. She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As celeb couple walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut and yell:

“Now, tell HIM you have a headache!”

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed her hands off.

What is the different between All Saints and the Spice Girls?
Well it was about 18 stone, then Geri left.

What do you say to a Spice Girl in 12 months time?
Cod and Chips please.

A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl “Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot”
“Do you know what size you are?” she asked. “No,” he replied.
“OK drop your pants and I’ll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone “1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he’d like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says “One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. “I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot” he says. “Do you know what size you are?” she asked. “No,” he replied. “OK, I’ll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!”

Old Celeb couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

One got his head blown off in the back of a car and the other one was assassinated.

Q. Why was Helen Keller’s leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.

“Why do men how married celeb woman gain weight while bachelors don’t ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Guys who married celeb woman go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.”

Celeb woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, ” A billionaire".

Three celeb men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, ” my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny", the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

What’s the similarity between Val Doonican and David Beckham?
They are both fucking singers.

What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Celeb guy decides to buy a sheer negligee for his honey, like maybe it’s Valentine’s Day or something, so he goes to Victoria’s Secret, tells the clerk what he wants and the size. She returns with a lovely item, very sheer, that he likes a lot. She says it costs $200. He says, “OK, but do you have anything in that size that’s even more sheer?” The saleslady disappears for a few minutes then returns with a very wispy number. She says it costs $300. He says, “OK, but is the most sheer negligee you have in her size?” The saleslady disappears once more, returns with a truly diaphanous item which she says costs $500. He says, “OK, and this is the very most sheer one you have?” She assures him it is, so he buys it, has it gift wrapped, and takes it home.

There he lowers the lights a little, puts on some music, opens a bottle of champagne, and he and his lady have a few lovely, private moments. After a little while he gives her the gift, then suggests that she go upstairs and try it on. She agrees and takes it upstairs, but in looking the lovely thing over she thinks, “Maybe I’ll tease him a little… it’s so sheer he wouldn’t know if I had it on or not.” So she moves, completely naked, to the stairs, slinks down them, gets to the bottom and does a little pirouette, strikes a pose and says, “Well, what do you think?”

“GREAT!” he says with a big smile. But to himself he thinks, “Damn! For five hundred bucks you’d think they’d have ironed the thing!”

A group of celeb homosexuals were attending a car-key party. One bet the others that he could recognise the make and model of any car by sticking the ignition key up his arse. The first key he correctly identified as a Ford Escort. The second as a Vauxhall Astra. As a joke, one of the guests got a spark-plug and shoved it up his arse. Immediately he said, “Yes, that’s Champion!”

Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
He heard boys pants were half-off!

What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?
Both come in a Posh Box.

What would David Beckham’s name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice.

Princess Di and Mother Theresa are in Heaven, when Mother Theresa notices that Princess Di has a bigger halo than she does. She asks God, “Why does the Princess get as bigger halo than me, she was a great person but I’m Mother Theresa.”
God replies, “That’s not a halo, it’s a steering wheel”

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.” The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.” The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!” On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife…”

A celeb man hires private detective to investigate if his wife is cheating on him. Since he was not a rich celeb man as all his contracts went down, he hires Chinese private detective. After few days he gets this letter:

»Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house.

He come to house. I watch.

He and she leave house. I follow.

He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.

I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he.

He strip she. She strip he.

He play with she. She play with he. I play with me.

I fall off tree. I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee.

Who was the greatest man ever?
Michael Jackson, because he grew up a poor black boy from Gary, Indiana to be a rich white woman in Europe.

Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you’ve finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

“Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.” - Conan O’Brien

They’re both cheap, white, and plastic.

What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident?
Well, that’s the way the Mercedes BENZ.

What’s brown and in a baby’s diaper?
Michael Jackson’s hand!

What’s white and in Michael Jackson’s pocket?
His other hand.

What’s the difference between an Indian curry and the Spice girls?
An Indian curry has Ginger in it.

Celeb man came home from work one day to find his celeb wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.” He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free.” He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. Celeb wife said, “And just where do you think you are going?” Celeb man replied, “I’m going, too.”
“Why?” she asked. He said, “I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year.”

Booth- Died in a barn.
Monica- Big as a barn.

Booth- Killed by a religious zealot who had no testicles. (This is true, look it up)
Monica- Kenneth Starr

There’s a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman’s husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife’s vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. “I’m not sure, but I think she choked".

Celeb newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.” The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.” He replies, “And don’t forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!” The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies, “I can’t get into your knickers!”
“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

Have you heard Michael Jackson’s new back up band?
New kids on my cock!

What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?
One more mishap!

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

What have Posh Spice and Manchester United got in common?
They both play with Beckham.

Cerina Vincent is 27
Gina Crews is 33
Robyn Lively is 34
Ashley Allen is 38
Dona Speir is 42

What did the woman tell Michael Jackson at the beach?
Get out of my son!

Bill Clinton in his court testimony…I didn’t realise that Monica Lewinsky had a hearing problem until I said to her…"The meal served to me last night was dreadful! Why don’t you come up to my room and sack my cook!”

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn’t want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he’s changed his mind. Now he likes the retirement home. The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man. The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.
“But yesterday you told me you loved it there…” says the son.
“Yeah, but you don’t understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day.”

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
“Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door.”

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil walked the moon, Michael Jackson… fucked little boys.

Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President

Booth- Tripped, broke his leg.
Monica- Linda Tripp broke her friendship.

What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Booth- Shot Lincoln in the back of the head.
Monica- Clinton shot her in the face.

Did you hear about that new car that’s dedicated to President Clinton?
It’s gonna be called the Dodge Drafter.

How did JFK Jr. learn how to fly?
He took a crash course.

Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?
Answer below! (this is pretty good )

The answer is: “A Last Name.”

American Press - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach it any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

Did you see Dolly Parton’s new shoes?
Neither did she.

How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
The President after Bush

What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Celeb Son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Celeb Mom: Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
When the big hand is on the little hand.

What have Posh Spice and David Beckham got in common?
They’re both crap footballers.

Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one of the booths. All the waitresses are knock-down gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table… She asked: “What would you like, Mr. President?” Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: “A quickie.” The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: “What would you like, Mr. President?” Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, “Um, Mr. President, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE’.”

Why is Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
‘Coz the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he almost got impeached!

How did Helen Keller’s mother punish her?
By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Why didn’t Clinton do anything about Elian Gonzales?
The last time he stuck a cuban somewhere he was almost impeached.

What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
Hugh Grant.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
So his guests won’t be accompanied by guardians!

Have you heard about Michael Jackson’s new book?
It’s called, “The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing”

How is a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky different?
A vending machine won’t accept wrinkled bill’s.

Monica Lewinski desperatly wanted a bird for Christmas…
SO… Bill gave her a swallow!!

There was a celebrity father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter’s room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter’s room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter “I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?”
She answered “That’s because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy…”
He then asked his second daughter “I heard you crying last night, why was that?”
She answered “That’s because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt…”
He then told his oldest daughter “I didn’t hear anything from you…”
She said “That’s because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full…”

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Why did Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?
Because he picked up the whore-monica.

Booth- Did his dirty deed on a theatre.
Monica- Did the dirty deed with her theatre coach.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s new band?
It’s called the Jackson Five and Under.

Clinton blows the sax, Starr blows the whistle, and Monica blows the skin flute.

Did you hear about the latest JFK Jr. movie?
Its called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

What’s brown and half eaten?
The Queen Mothers Easter egg.

Did you see Dolly Parton’s new shoes?
Neither did she.

What did Haley Joel Osment find on the top of Mt. Everest?
Icey dead people

Why didn’t JFK Jr. and his wife have a shower before getting on the plane?
They figured they would wash up on shore!

What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?
A blind date.

Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed say, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

Did you all hear that President Clinton wants to change the national anthem?
He wants to change it to - Yank my doodle it’s a dandy.

Booth- Co-conspirators were hanged straight away.
Monica- A very important co-conspirator is hung crookedly, by all reports.

Bill Clinton’s latest intern was sitting quietly, getting on with her work, when the President himself popped in,
“Hey, come into the oval room & have a look at my clock!”
“Err, I am not sure if that is such a good idea Mr. President.”
“Why not, there’s no harm in it, you just have to come into the office & have a look at my clock.”
“No really - I think that it would be best if I didn’t.”
“Oh Come on - it is just a clock, just pop in and have a look”
“Well, if you insist, but I’ll be quick, and I only want to see the clock.”
As they went into the oval office, Clinton closed the door, and to the intern’s astonishment, dropped his trousers, revealing all.
“That’s not a clock!” she said.
“Well it will be if you put two hands and a face on it …”

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out.

Why does Michael Jackson scream?
Because it hurts.

What does Clinton tell an intern when they leave his office?
Be sure not to hit your head on the desk.

What has four legs and smells like fish?
Clinton’s desk.

What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
Did I beat David Blaine?

What’s the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
Michael’s been able to have kids.

One sunny winter day, President Clinton wakes up and looks out the window. What he sees is horrible. Someone wrote “Die Bill Die” in the snow in piss. Imediately Bill calls over his good friend, the director of the FBI. And tells him to find the culprit. After a few weeks, the director comes back and tells Bill that he has good news, bad news and worse news. The President asks to hear the good news first:
The director says: “The good news is we found the cuprit”
Bill Clinton says: “Who is he?”
The director says: “Thats the bad news. The DNA test revealed that AL GORE is the culprit.”
Bill Clinton says: “Are you sure?”
The director says: “Yes. Very sure.”
Bill Clinton says: “Whats the worse news?”
The Director says: “It was in your wife’s handwriting!”

What did Helen Keller’s parents do to punish her for swearing?
Washed her hands with soap.

Why doesn’t Bill like old houses?
He’s afraid of the draft.

What was JFK Jr. drinking at the time of the crash?
Ocean Spray.

Two of Bill’s sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said, “How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?”

The other one said “It can’t be too far. I think we just passed the tonsils.”

What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?
A blind date.

Monica was getting a lot of media attention so she decided that she needed to slim down a bit. She said doctor please I need my love handles removed. The doctor replied. Sorry Monica its going to be difficult to remove your ears.

Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
She didn’t keep her mouth shut!

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, “I’d like to donate some sperm” he says to the receptionist.
“Certainly Sir” replies the receptionist, “have you donated before?".
“Yes” replies Beckham “you should have my details on your computer".
“Oh yes, I’ve found your details” says the receptionist “but I see you’re going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?”
“Why do I need help to donate sperm?” asks Beckham. The receptionist replies “Well, it says on your record that you’re a useless wanker…”

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man’s penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?”

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, “It was only a bug, honey.”

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, “Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy - “I have a baseball.”

Man - “That’s nice.”

Boy - “Want to buy it?”

Man - “No, thanks.”

Boy - “My dad’s outside.”

Man - “OK, how much?”

Boy - “$150″

Man - “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - “Dark in here.”

Man - “Yes, it is.”

Boy - “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy - “$350″

Man - “Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy says, “$500″

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again, you’re in my closet now.”

What would David Beckham’s name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice.

Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
He was too busy playing the hormonica.

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic & thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.”
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
“Excuse me Officer, what’s the hold up?”
The Officer replies,
“The President just found out he was impeached and he’s all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”
“Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”
“I’ve got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.”

Why doesn’t Bill like old houses?
He’s afraid of the draft.

How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.

What’s the first problem the Michael’s child will have in life?
Figuring out which parent is his mother.

What’s the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model?
One’s a glueless kit…

What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?
Some people still believe in Santa Claus.

How did Michael get in trouble?
He was feeling a little Randy.

When will there be a woman in the White House?
When Hillary leaves town.

What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha’s Vineyard?
The runway.

What is the name of Helen Keller’s dog?
Nyah, nyu, yuh, yah.

Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
Their motto is “Your luggage will arrive before you do!”

Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
He couldn’t bear to say “Come Spot… Come Spot!”

What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
They both throw a ho down.

“I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher,that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She’s Chief of MY Staff!
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth.

In an interview with Jenifer Flowers, she was asked if her affair with Clinton, was similar to his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Her response was, close but no cigar…

What did Monica’s dentist say?
“She has the whitest teeth I ever came across”

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot.
“Does this parrot talk?” she asked. “Yes, he does,” the manager told her.
“But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?” she asked.
“Well, ma’am,” the manager told her,
“not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent years in a whore house and his language is foul.”
“Well, I want him,” she said.
“Suit yourself,” the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, “New house, new madam.” Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.
“New house, new whores,” the parrot observed.
At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird’s history, they too, laughed. After a while the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked at him and said, “Hi, Bill!”

President Bill Clinton called Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien with an emergency:
“Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the American President cried “My people’s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Bill, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the Prime Minister. “I do need your help,” said Clinton. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”

“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Chretien.
“Oh, and one more small favour, please?” said Clinton.
“Yes?”
“Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour at least 10″long and 4″ in diameter?” said Clinton.
“No problem,” replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.
“I need a favour,you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America.”
“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in colour; at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said the Prime Minister, “and print ‘MADE IN CANADA, SIZE: MEDIUM’on each one.”

What is Clinton’s favorite chips?
Lays

Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.

What’s the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

What does McDonald’s and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

“Boy, I am scared,” Clinton said to one of his friends, “I got a letter from a guy who said he’d break my legs if I didn’t stop seeing his wife.”
“Well,” replied his friend, “I guess you’ll have to stop seeing his wife.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“You like her that much?” the friend asks.
“It’s not that,” declared Clinton. “He didn’t sign his name.”

What’s the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.

What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A Michael Jackson slumber party.

What’s Monica’s favorite instrument?
She’s good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!

Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs of his staff!

A young boy of 5 was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside her house for a while when he came into the house. “Grandma, what is it called when celeb people are sleeping on top of each other? She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It is called sexual intercourse darling.” The little guy just said “Ok” and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother: “Grandma, it’s not called sexual intercourse! It’s called bunks”

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out.

One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Women’s house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.
Superman thought “this is great! I’ll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I’ll be gone.” So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Women, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Women, not quite knowing what hit her said “WHOA! What was that?” and the Invisible Man replied. “I don’t know, but my arse sure is sore!”

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What’s the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.

100 Women Surveyed, “Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?”
80% said not again.

Glenn Hoddle dies and goes to Heaven. He’s met at the gates by God himself - as is customary for VERY important people. God shows him promptly to The England dressing room - a large room full of clocks. Each of the clocks has a minute hand only and a small inscription bearing a name. They’re all there from Sir Alf to Owen. The players who have preceeded Glenn to the Great Wembley Way in the sky, including Glenn’s clock, were all moving forward at the right pace. But all the players who were still alive’s clocks were stationary - until Glenn looked closer and he noticed that ever now and again the clock of one player or another would loose half an hour. “What’s that all about then?” Glenn asks God. “Ah, well every time one of your boys has a wank they knock half an hour of their lives.” “Oh,” say Glenn, and he has another look - LeSaux’s clock goes back by half an hour….Then Cambell’s does. Glenn has a closer look - “Where’s Beckhams clock then?” “Ah well, we’ve got that one in the office - we’re using it as a fan!”

Stop blaming Monica. The whole mess could have been prevented if Hillary had just used her HEAD.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car together in the Midwest when a tornado comes along suddenly, whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they finally crawl out from under their car, they realize that they’re in the Land of Oz, so they decide to go to see the Wizard.

When they finally confront the Wizard, Dan Quayle steps forward first and says, “I would very much like you to give me a brain.”
Newt Gingrich steps forward next and says, “I would very much like you to give me a heart.”
President Clinton glances left and right, then ask, “Where’s Dorothy?”

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.

What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
Did I beat David Blaine?

Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
The United States of America!

Why did Elton John sing at the Lady Di funeral?
Because he’s the only queen who cares.

What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
One has two boobs, the others “are” two boobs.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
“What happened to you,” asked Bill.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
“My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replied, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig".

How do Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
By putting a plunger in the toilet.

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
The Spice Girls!

What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
Got two fives for a ten?

“I feel schizophrenic; first he says ‘open your mouth,’ then he says ‘keep it closed.’”
- Monica Lewinski

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time your celeb woman brings it to the couch.

What’s green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
The pool table in the oval office.

What did Dodi say to his chauffeur?
“Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?”

What’s the difference between Hillary and Bill?
Hillary doesn’t get caught.

What’s the first problem the Michael’s child will have in life?
Figuring out which parent is his mother.

What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.

How can you tell if your celeb wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.

Celeb Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Celeb Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A depressed young celeb girl was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for.” he said. “I’m off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The celeb girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” the Captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained, “He’s taking me to America, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” said the Captain. “This is the Dover-Calais ferry.”

Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.

Celeb women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are so beautiful.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?
Cause there’s twenty of them.

A woman who was the neighbor of Billy Boy Clinton was having a bad day. Clinton harassed her constantly. Whenever she tried to do something Clinton always messed her up. One day, as she was putting her pants on a clothesline to dry, Clinton sneaked over and pulled them down. She decided to ignore it.

The next day, she let her cat, Pussy out for a walk. Bill saw this and caught the cat and ripped the hair out. This infuriated the woman. The next time Clinton did something she would report it. The next day, she let her dog, Ass out for a walk. Clinton saw the dog and chased it away. She had had enough. She went to the local police station and this is what she reported:
BILL CLINTON PULLED DOWN MY PANTS, RIPPED ALL THE HAIR OFF MY PUSSY, AND CHASED MY ASS DOWN THE STREET!!

What’s white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael’s latest release.

Why did the Clinton’s name their dog Buddy?
Because nobody around the White House wanted to yell, ” Come Spot!!!!”

What does Hillary do after she shaves her pussy every morning?
Sends him to work!

How is a celeb woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies’ panties on his arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what he was doing. At an afternoon press conference, one reporter got brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies’ panties on his arm.
The President replied: “It’s the patch; I’m trying to quit.”

What’s the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
Michael’s been able to have kids.

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, “I’d like to donate some sperm” he says to the receptionist.
“Certainly Sir” replies the receptionist, “have you donated before?".
“Yes” replies Beckham “you should have my details on your computer".
“Oh yes, I’ve found your details” says the receptionist “but I see you’re going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?” “Why do I need help to donate sperm?” asks Beckham. The receptionist replies “Well, it says on your record that you’re a useless wanker…”

Why do celeb women pay more attention to their faces than their minds?
Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren’t blind.

Why have celeb women got small feet?
So they can get closer to the sink.

Celeb Son: Mommy, Mommy, I don’t like running in circles!
Celeb Mom: Shut up, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, “What’s the matter?” He says “Well, it’s wonderful, I’m on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but…but… I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them.” Nicole Kidman says, “Well, I’m an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub.” It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the mens’ clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes “Hey Joe, You’ll never guess who I’ve been fucking.”

President Clinton’s Motto: Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’

What’s the difference between Hillary and Bill?
Hillary doesn’t get caught.

How can celeb man tell if his wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What does Hillary do after she shaves her pussy every morning?
Sends him to work!

What’s the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and celeb women howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.

Celeb man rushes into his house and yells to his celeb wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!” Martha responds excitedly, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!” The man responds, “I don’t care … just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

How do you know if another spice girl has used your computer?
There’s writing on the correction fluid.

Celeb man complaining to a celeb friend: “I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful young woman… then… one time pow!… it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked celeb friend. “Ahhhh… my celeb wife found out…”

Losing a celeb wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley are sitting watching TV. Lisa Marie says, “This is boring, I’d like to see a video.”
We could get Aladdin,” says Michael.
“You can get done for that!” she replies.

What has Posh Spice and the England team got in common?
They both get screwed by David Beckham

What is Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they’re in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain.”
Gingrich says, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a heart.”
Clinton says, “Where’s Dorothy?”

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.

Celeb Son: Mom, Mom, can I wear a bra now? I’m 16..
Celeb Mom: Shut up Johnny!

Why was alcohol invented?
So fat celebs can get laid too.

Why didn’t the airbag on the Merc function properly?
It was strapped into a safety belt in the back seat.

What do you call a Spice Girl with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

What’s the difference between a lollipop and a penis?
If you lick a lollipop, it becomes smaller… but if
you lick a penis it becomes bigger!

One night, as a celeb couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and
started rubbing her arm. His celeb wife turned over
and said, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” Her
celeb husband, rejected, turned over and tried to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and
tapped his celeb wife again. This time he whispered in
her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?”

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What’s the difference between Christopher Reeves and
OJ Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair….and O.J
walked!

What’s Bill Clinton’s idea of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to
Boyz-2-Men?
He thought it was a delivery service.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up
on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open
this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his
mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd
murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital,
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to
give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A celeb woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle.”

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.

Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
So his guests won’t be accompanied by guardians!

Why does Posh Spice always go on top when she and Beckham are having sex?
Beckham can only fuck up.

One day Bill Clinton and Al Gore are pissing in the same bathroom.
Bill notices that Al has a huge schlong. “Damn", he says; “how did it get that big?”

“Well", Al tells him, “Every night before I go to bed, I beat it on the bedpost fifty times.
This also works wonders before sex.”

So, that night, Clinton sneaks in late, and starts beating the bedpost with his schlong.
Hillary rolls over and says “Is that you, Al?”

Celeb mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage,
the elephant has an erection. “What’s that, Mummy?” asks the child.
“Nothing, Johnny, nothing,” says the embarrassed celeb mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny’s dad takes him and the same happens. “What’s that, Daddy?”
the child asks. “That, son, is the elephant’s penis.” replied his father.
“Mummy said it was nothing, ” the child then said. “Your mother’s spoilt, Son.”

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?
Some people still believe in Santa Claus.

What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.

Did you know James T Kirk had 3 ears?
His left ear, his right ear and his final frontier

Why can’t the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
Get out of my sun!

How does Bill Clinton practice “Safe Sex"?
He leaves the celophane on the cigar!

Why is it good to have a blonde celeb passenger?
You get to park in the handicap zone.

In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with
President Clinton, 86% replied, Not again!

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His face.

TOP 3 most dangerous persons in the world:

- Corporate business man with plans for investing
- Black guy with nike shoes
- Blond celeb with credit cards

Have you heard about Michael Jackson’s new book?
It’s called, “The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing”

What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A thank you from Santa!

Why did Bill Clinton call his dog “Buddy"?
Because no one is allowed to say “come Spot” in the White House!

Why did Harry Potter have to retake his first year at Hogwarts?
Because he couldn’t spell!

What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A thank you from Santa!

Sexy celeb with her nipple slip ☺ entering sex shop.
-“What is that on your shelf that you are selling?”
-“That is vibrator”
-“Oh I have heard of it…”
-“Than did you decide yet?”
-“Yes please that red one over here.”
-“But that is fire extinguisher!”

There was arguing in celebrity family:
Celeb Husband: First of all if you learn to cook we would be able to save some
money as we wouldn’t need to pay someone to cook for us!
Celeb Wife: If you learn how to fuck we wouldn’t need battler!

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
“Not according to Dad.”

Why doesn’t Bill like old houses?
He’s afraid of the draft.

What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
Boy’s underwear half off.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Lee Harvey Oswald have in common?
They both blew a president out of office!

How about the Mike Tyson virus?
It quits after one byte!

Celeb coming to agricultural drug store and say:” Please can you give me
some seeds for birds?” Seller ask: ”Sorry how many birds do you have?”
Celeb:” None but I have plan to plant a few!”

Two skanky celebs walking down the street by Sunset Blvd.
when first one finds mirror that someone lost and she look
at it and said: “Look I found my photo on the street”
Than another skanky celeb took it from her and said:
“Wow you are so ugly!”

What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
Michael Jackson.

Why does Hillary always get on top?
Bill can only screw up.

How do Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
By putting a plunger in the toilet.

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
“Not according to Dad.”

Last survey shows that celebs really have better night life and parties.
Just problem is that they don’t remember with whom and where they had a party.

What has four legs and no ears?
Mike Tyson’s dog.

What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?
Cause there’s twenty of them.

Have you heard that one celebrity bought notebook so that
she can write her thoughts in it? After 2 years she was on
the second page!

Bill Clinton is walking down a corridor in the White House
when he sees a pretty young girl walking towards him.
“Hello,” he says “are you new here.”
“Yes,” she replies “I started yesterday.”
“Ah,” answers Bill “I thought I hadn’t come across your face before.”

How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
The President after BUSH!

Blond celeb without job is asking for welfare. She said that she has a
lot of kids and there is no job in acting so she must receive welfare.
Social worker visited her house and see all kids and social worker
ask one kid: “What is your name?”
Kid: “John”
He asks another kid: “What is your name?”
Kid: “John”
And social worker finds out that all kids have name John and he ask
blond celeb: “How do you recognize all your kids when they all have
same name?” She said: “By last name!!!”

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry-cleaners, and asks to have a dress cleaned.
The clerk, who is a little hard of hearing, says, “Come again?".
“No!", Monica screamed, “Mustard".

Why does Hillary always get on top?
Bill can only screw up.

What did the woman tell Michael Jackson at the beach?
Get out of my son!

After good sex blonde celeb and guy laying in bed and talking:
Blonde: ”Hey do you have HIV?”
Guy: “No why do you ask?”
Blonde: “Nothing, I just wouldn’t like to get it again!”

John Cleese was asked for the difference between
British and American people.

He said that there were three differences:

1. We speak English and you don’t.
2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport,
we invite teams from other countries.
3. When you meet the head of state in England, you only have
to go down on one knee.

What does Ellen Degeneres cook for dinner every night?
She doesn’t, she eats out!

What’s Monica’s favorite instrument?
She’s good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie went to movie theatre,
lights went off and movie started. After five minutes
Paris say to her friend: ”Someone is fucking me form behind!”
friend answers: ”I hope someone will do me as I paid ticket too!”

What’s the new game there playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader

After confess Severina Vuckovic ask priest:
-“What I have to do so my sin go away?”
-Priest:
-“On your knees again.”

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
Michael Jackson.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.

Paris Hilton is waiting for bus when her girlfriend Nicole Richie come and say: “hello what bus number you are waiting for?” Paris Hilton said: 7 and Nicole Richie said: ”ooh I am waiting for bus number 2.” In few moments bus is coming and both of them happy screaming:” bus number 72 is coming so we can go together! It is great!!!!

Come every day to celeb nipple slip for more great celeb jokes!

Why did McCauley Culkin get married?
He was tired of being home alone.

Blond celeb told her husband: ”Hey I got 10 bucks from some guy to climb up the tree” Husband said: “You are stupid he just wanted to see your panties!” Next day blond celeb comes again and tell her husband: “Hey this time guy gave me 20 bucks to climb up the tree” Husband said: “ Just like last time he just wanted to see your panties!” Blond celeb said: “But I tricked him this time I didn’t wear panties!!”

Why does Michael Jackson scream?
Because it hurts.

What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
Get out of my sun!

Blond celeb asks blond celeb: “What color you use to bleach your hair?”

What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears?
Dinner at Hooters!

What dessert doesn’t Puff Daddy like any more?
J-Lo! (Jello)

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzeneger arrived in
town the other day and decided they wanted to visit their ‘Planet Hollywood’
anonymously. Willis, being the smart one, suggested they dress like famous
composers.
“I’ll dress up like Beethoven” said Willis.
“Good,” said Stallone, “I’ll go as Mozart.”
Schwarzeneger paused, then said, “I’ll be Bach.”

What’s brown and half eaten?
The Queen Mothers Easter egg.

What Paris Hilton says when she see porn move?
Hey its me!!!

Do you know why Paris Hilton never put fresh water in her home aquarium?
She waits for fish to drink the old one.

What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
Hugh Grant.

Have you heard about the Sharon Stone virus?
It makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

What is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favorite web site?
Alta Vista baby.

Did you hear about Woody Allen’s latest movie?
It’s called “Honey, I Married the Kids”

Paris Hilton got job at the convenience store.
Guy is coming asking for pack of condoms.
She is answering: “For here or to go?”

Q: Why Britney Spears lean her head on the house?
A: She is trying to listen some house music.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said, “Hey Britney, look at that dead bird”
Britney looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q. What’s Monica’s favorite instrument?
A. She’s good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!

Q. What’s the new game there playing in the White House?
A. Swallow the Leader

Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A. Got two fives for a ten?

Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Q. What has four legs and no ears?
A. Mike Tyson’s dog.

A celeb mother and celeb father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
nipples bigger than his mother’s so he goes back to ask her why that is.
She tells her son, “The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.” The boy,
pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his
mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, “The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.” Again satisfied
with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter,
the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:

“Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks,
the dumber he gets.”

Q. What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.

Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!

Q. What’s the difference between Bill and Monica?
A. One can’t come clean and the other one can’t clean cum.